BDSM can provide intensity and an air of fantasy that makes for great sex. For some people, power exchange is enough to provide pleasure even if there's no intercourse or genital stimulation at all! However, it's the planning that often makes a BDSM scene a positive one, and it's crucial to to preventing dangerous situations from arising.
Start with Communication
Before your first BDSM scene, you should communicate with your partner. Unless you're talking about a little bit of light spanking, this isn't the sort of thing you want to enter into spontaneously. This discussion will reveal to you if your partner is a good person to experiment with. If they're not willing to talk about safety and planning or don't listen to you, then you know they're not a good person to trust, even if you're the one who will have the power during the scene.
When you're with someone who is willing to have these discussions, you can discuss a variety of things:
Of particular concern is your safeword, something you can say if you want play to stop or slow. While bottoms/submissives usually use safewords, tops can call it as well to stop play. You might be more likely to become overwhelmed as a top on your first scene and need to pause or stop and try again later. While the safeword can be anything, it's best to stick to something simply and easy – both to say and understand. The scene may be loud, or you may be under duress, which makes it difficult to utter long or unusual words.
A common method is the traffic light system where you can say “Red,” “Yellow” or “Green” depending on how you feel. Responding “Red” indicates you need to stop whereas “Yellow” can mean for you to pause or proceed with caution while “Green” indicates everything is going well. Not only is it up either of you to use safewords if your scene doesn't feel right, but the top/dominant can check in with the submissive to verify how it's going. The submissive can then respond according to the traffic light system.
Along with negotiating, this is the time to establish what's necessary for aftercare. Both partners can benefit from certain practices that help return them to equilibrium after the scene has finished. Aftercare focuses on both the physical as well as the mental/emotional effects of a scene. A person might be tired and physical exhausted, may have a drop in temperature, may experience thirst or hunger, or may require emotional and physical validation in the form of cuddling and kind words, for example. A sports drink, a snack, a soft blanket, or some spanking balm are commonly used to administer aftercare. Some submissives even enjoy aftercare in the form of coloring in a coloring book! It's about figuring out what you might need, and you may not realize until after your scene has completed.
To get the most out of these discussions, you have to know yourself and be willing to be open. Without that, you may not enjoy the scene or even experience trauma because of it. You can employ tools such as BDSM/kink links to find types of toys and play to try or use BDSM contacts, which ensure that you won't forget any of this information. These contracts can expire after a single scene or may last for an entire relationship with a person.
As you become more experienced, you may be able to communicate some of these things during a scene, but it's best to establish them beforehand when it comes to your first scene. This discussion before your first scene might accompany some research activities you might enjoy, tools and toys you can use, safety precautions, and others' experience with BDSM. While you don't need to read up on everything or be an expert, it's smart to research the specific risks associated with the activities you want to try. Even experienced kinksters do research when expanding their horizons and trying new things.
Get to Know the Tools of the Trade
Any top should understand how to use tools or toys you'll be trying. Some items simply aren't beginner-friendly such as canes and whips. But even if a toy is unlikely to cause serious harm, you can hurt someone more than you intend to if you don't know how to use the toy safely. There are plenty of books, Web pages, and videos that can teach you. For impact play items such as paddles, floggers, and crops, you can even practice on a pillow, and you can practice tying knots before you tie someone up.
Thanks to the Internet, you can buy any deviant object online, too! Before you use it, you'll want to get to know it. This may mean cutting and treating rope by running your hands over it, conditioning leather, shining metal, or even engraving an item! Toys are made from various materials that require different kinds of preparation and care.
The next thing any top/dominant should do before a scene is to try an item on themselves so they know how to use it. This is particularly helpful for impact play items, each of which feels differently. It's all too easy to swing too hard if you're not sure how an item feels against your skin. Smacking different parts of your body lets you know how it feels, which helps you be a better top. You can even test cuffs, rope, and vibrators to avoid overwhelming your partner during the scene.
Plan the Scene
It's up to the top to plan the scene, which may be rather step-by-step if it's your first. Figure out what your partner needs and wants and how you can provide that while keeping them safe. You'll also want to consider how your partner will address you, what you'll expect from them, how you'll reward or punish them accordingly, and how the scene will end. There are plenty of ideas and scripts online if you need a little inspiration.
This planning may include things that enhance the ambiance such as lighting, music, and scents, types of play you'll include along with the appropriate toys, and a plan for scenes that fail to go well. Have a first-aid kit on hand to deal with injuries, make sure your phone is charged if you need to call for help, and keep multiple keys for any restraints. Don't forget condoms and dental dams, too! Safer sex is always important. Any powered toys will require charging before your scene, and you'll want to clean the environment and lay out any items in preparation.
The dominant may specify how their partner will dress for this first scene, or you may choose to dress yourselves, perhaps to thrill your partner. You can certainly go all out, but there's no reason to uphold the stereotypical BDSM costumes if you don't find them comfortable or accessible. Wearing a specific item of clothing or accessory, such as a collar for submissives, can be a great way to get into the right head space, however. If you plan to play specific roles, your costumes may match them.
The Actual BDSM Scene
Before your first scene, you may want to sip tea or do something that will calm any nerves; although, it's normal to feel both excitement and trepidation! You can connect with your partner before proceeding.
Certain things can signal the beginning of a scene, including the top/dominant using a specific nickname for the bottom/sub or instructing them to get into a certain position. Each scene will unfold differently depending on what you'd like. Many people start by applying restraints before going into other activities, but you may not include bondage at all.
During your first scene, you'll start softer and proceed slower than you think you need to. You can always increase intensity during the scene or go harder next time, but you can never take back anything that's too much. Even activities that seem less intense can have a huge impact during your first scene.
As a submissive, it's your responsibility both to obey your partner and potentially receive discipline, but it's also crucial for you to use your safeword and communicate as necessary. The dominant plans the scene to thrill their partner while simultaneously caring for them and must retain control of themselves throughout. Generally, the more aroused a person is, the more they can take.
Remember to check in, especially if you're not familiar with your partner's body language. The words you use can emphasize your roles such as detracting from them. While it's okay to ask “How do you feel?,” if can be hotter to say “You like that, don't you?”
While it might appear that the dominant has ultimate power, remember that it has been given by the submissive and can be revoked at any time such as when the sub uses the safeword. The top must be sure to respect that safeword and recognize distress even if the submissive hasn't used the safeword.
Assuming the scene goes well, you can complete activities, perhaps share pleasure and orgasms, and release any restraints before enacting aftercare upon the scene's completion.
The steps you take before your first scene ensures it goes as smoothly as possible. There can always be hiccups, but they'll be bigger if you don't devise safewords and plan safety precautions. These mishaps can cause serious injury or psychological trauma, not to mention scaring you off from trying any scenes in the future. As your experience grows, preparing for your scene may become a quicker, more streamlined process. But for newbies, it's important not to skip anything, even if it seems unnecessary.